Decolonise This XII: The Psychology of Respect
And if I should falter
Would you open your arms out to me
We can make love not war
And live at peace with our hearts
I’m so in love with you
I’ll be forever blue
What religion or reason
Could drive a man to forsake his lover
(Erasure, 1988)
The song Respect by Erasure is a call for dignity in romantic relationships and speaks of a longing and desire for empathy and understanding from a partner. The importance of these lyrics in relation to this month’s blog is that respect is something which we all hope for, but which often times we do not actually get. Be it from lovers, from those around us as in our families or friends, or most importantly from society itself, respect can feel like something which is sparse and rare. Yet, what is respect. Well, from a philosophical standpoint, Kantian respect exists in relationships between peoples, but is often driven by the inner morality of one of the pair of them. It is something which is often negotiated around an experience or expectation, something earned maybe, something which can also be lost quite freely (Kriegel & Timmons, 2020).
Offering another angle though, the dehumanisation of the Other, in all forms, says to the other that they are not respected by those who hold systemic privilege. For example, the far right rhetoric railed against those human beings who attempt to travel across the English Channel on boats, the dehumanisation of them, the removal of their human status, says to them that they are not only not wanted, but not respected, especially as these are people who often have mental health problems as well (Troya et al., 2022). Yet, there are increasingly laws coming into force which also underline this lack of respect. For example the laws prohibiting elderly people from protesting, there is a dehumanisation and a lack of respect for the humanity of those doing their best to protest the things which matter to them the most.
‘You’re not like all those other (women, blacks, gays, etc).
You’re alright!’
Words uttered to almost every Other as a sign that they see us and respect us
(Date: circa forever)
The quote here, one which we are all aware of, is in this context a sign of when we have been given respect by our peers. Yet, often this is not because we have been genuine in our actions. Oftentimes it is because we have performed well enough to achieve something resembling respect. Be it women in a patriarchal world, or black people within systemically white environments, one way of surviving is to perform that which is expected of us in order to gain a certain amount of respect. We tell others for example to grow up, or that they are too immature because we see in their play something which we have ourselves given up because we want to be seen as adults, or in other words respected as adults. We dress in certain clothes because we do not want to be seen as too savage, too sexual, or too prim, and because we want to earn the respect of those who reinforce said psychological rules. Respect, for those who experience some kind of marginalisation, is therefore also about safety. If we are respected then we are seen as acceptable. If we are acceptable then we are seen as safe for the group, so that we wont be threatened with being cast out into the wilderness.
This is one of the reasons we as black people(s) try so much harder is not just to achieve the same level of success as those with systemic privilege. It is also because we crave the respect that comes with it. We see the respect that is given to those who have more than us, or who have achieved more than us, that additional level of kudos, of kindness, of love, afforded to us because we have become successful. Yet, one of the things about systemic oppression is that this respect never really arrives, or if we do gain flashes of it then it is always tinged with that sense that this can all disappear at any point. That respect afforded to us by the systems which rule us, may well be removed as we are simultaneously reminded that we are and always be too black, too female, too neurodiverse, to be afforded such an honour.
Diary Entry – Date Confidential:
My daughter told me that she is tired of her mother making snide remarks to her about myself. This is especially painful for her as she sees how kind I am to her and to others. I listen to her and hear what she has to say, then I give her a hug and talk to her. But inside this is another symptom of the abuse that I endured in my marriage. I was never respected in that union. Never seen, never respected. I am glad to be free of it.
We have all encountered periods where we have felt disrespected, even myself, especially myself. Yet, we still, at times, continue to move forward. For example, do I write in order to win over the respect of other academics that I am worthy to sit alongside them? Maybe there is a bit of that, but that is vastly overshadowed by the boy who wanted to write from the age of 7 anyway, the man who has something to say. One of the gifts of the route I have followed is that in engaging with my otherness, in doing things as much my own way as possible then I am respecting myself first. Respect for other here is a respect for the power of that which I am not, the Lacanian stranger or the Jungian shadow (Homer, 2007; Johnson, 1993). We are so taught that we should give up parts of ourselves that we have no respect for those we meet who embody those traits (traits which we inwardly desire).
The judgement of these parts of us, this needs to be worked with within ourselves if we are ever to be liberated from this socially constructed, psychologically internalised, driver which teaches us that we have to conform to be respected. When we start to do this, then we work with shame. We work with the shame of being othered. The shame of not been respected. But we also simultaneously work with the anxiety of freedom, the joy of liberation of self.
So, whilst Kantian respect for others is at its core a moral exercise in recognising the humanity of the other, for us all we need to see that it is also a deeply transformative psychological exercise as well. Understanding and gifting ourselves the experience of respect is a personal journey. It is a pathway which encourages us to find our own route, to know our own pathway forward, beyond the socially constructed idea of who we are ‘supposed’ to be, to discover that which we are and want to be.
Diary Entry: XXXX May 2026
I really enjoyed the presentation yesterday. A group of practitioners who were very open to what I had to say. I could feel the respect they had for me, an honour echoed in their applause at the end. Yet, for me there is also something else. I am five books in (and everything else, all the immense work that goes with it), and it is only now that I have a feel I am earning respect from those in my profession. Only now do I feel that my voice carries weight.
References
Erasure. (1988). Respect (p. 1). Mute Records.
Homer, S. (2007). Jacques Lacan: Routledge critical thinkers (Kindle Edition). Routledge.
Johnson, R. A. (1993). Owning your own shadow: understanding the dark side of the psyche. Harper Collins Publishers.
Kriegel, U., & Timmons, M. (2020). The Phenomenology of Kantian Respect for Persons. In Respect (Issue June, pp. 1–23).
Troya, M. I., Spittal, M. J., Pendrous, R., Crowley, G., Gorton, H. C., Russell, K., Byrne, S., Musgrove, R., Hannah-Swain, S., Kapur, N., & Knipe, D. (2022). Suicide rates amongst individuals from ethnic minority backgrounds: A systematic review and meta-analysis. EClinicalMedicine, 47, 101399. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eclinm.2022.101399