Phenomenology of Racism: Understanding the Intimidation/Intimidated Paradox

‘Hate comes from Intimidation.

Love comes from appreciation.’

Unknown

‘FFS! I hate it when men come out with that misogynistic bullshit.  Because you are a ‘strong woman’ doesn’t mean you intimidate men.  It means you intimidate weak minded, soft willed men, who see women through an old patriarchal lens of needing them to be weak, needy, clingy, silent and pliable, incapable, to validate their masculinity.  They, in their inability to step up, are actually all of these things.’

In preparation of my newest book ‘A Phenomenology of Racism in Counselling and Psychotherapy’, I wanted to think about an area of racialised experience (and its embedded culture of racism) which so many of us encounter; that of being seen as intimidating even when we have the best interests of others in our hearts and mouths (D. Turner, 2025).  The reason for this is intimidation holds within itself aspects of prejudice which needs to be unpicked before we can fully understand its old over all of us at times. 

This is why this month’s blog begins with my own words.  Words expressed to a female friend who queried being told she was intimidating to men.  My response though had me thinking.  I know this experience of being seen as intimidating.  The number of messages I received, in particular back in 2021, when book #Mockingbird first emerged from hiding which spoke of my needing to know my place etc, it was obvious that my positioning myself as a voice within psychotherapy intimidated many (D. D. L. Turner, 2021).  The reminder had me thinking; when viewed through a racialised lens, how does being labelled as intimidating in this context relate to how I am seen as a Black man (or as how we are seen as the racialised other).  What does it mean for being a Black person.  And what does being intimidating actually mean, both philosophically and psychologically. 

‘I have never intimidated the masses.

I only intimidate corrupt officials.’

Zhu Rongji

‘I’m not interested in competing with you. 

I find what you say very interesting.  I value your wisdom. 

You are respectful to and of me.   You give me space and you value me for me.’

As a piece of mini-non-scientific-research for this month, in exploring this topic, I asked several friends why they don’t find me intimidating.  Whilst I know and receive infrequent reminders of how intimidating I am to men and women alike (irrespective of race or culture), the aim here was understand what it was about those closer to me which meant they never felt the need to compete, who didn’t feel intimidated by my mere presence. The reasons for this are simple.  Being labelled as intimidating is so incredibly common for so many of us.  From being seen as not black enough, not working class enough, not gay enough, not posh enough, not whatever-the-fashion-is-this-week enough, all of these are driven as much by an often internalised oppressors need to suppress the other, as it is by their also fear of being intimidated by something, by anything, which is not the black, the class, the sexuality, the fashion that they have implanted in their head as the typical way of being.

Intimidation is a weapon therefore which is often used by the subject to subjugate the other.  Be they women seen and judged through a patriarchal gaze, the racialised other observed under the witnessing of whiteness,

This is the reason why so many of ‘us’ perform.  We do not want to be seen as intimidating.  We want to be seen as a ‘non’ threat because to be seen as something other may well mean we are ostracised or destroyed, or something in-between. 

‘I’m not intimidating, you’re intimidated.  There’s a difference.  I’m not mean, nor aggressive.  I am honest and assertive and that makes you uncomfortable.  And it’s not me that makes you uncomfortable, my presence challenges your comfort.  I will not be less for you to feel better about yourself.’

Unknown

‘Why would I be intimidated?  I like and respect that energy.  Emotional intelligence, intelligence and the ability to think, these are positive qualities, if used positively.’ 

What I am saying here is twofold.  Firstly, it is that intimidation, the psychology of intimidation, is about the recognition that what we have encountered challenges our own narcissistic idea of how the other should be.  Secondly, when we encounter the embodied feeling of intimidation, we then begin to recognise that our own identity is challenged by the mere presence of something which does not fit into our psychologically driven, narcissistically painted picture of the ideal.  We are challenged to grow from the inside by what we see as intimidating.  Challenged to be a better man in relationship with a woman we see as intimidating, a better person by that encounter with a racialised other who acts in a means which we have never encountered before (but which we secretly admire).   We are challenged to see that psychological intimidation is an open salvo in the earliest stages of Jungian alchemical growth and development (Marlan, 2005).

This brings me to my final point for this month.  One of the strangest things about the world of psychotherapy is that we talk about true selves, individuation, and becoming who we are mean to be, like all of these ways of becoming are received benevolently by the world around us.  They are not.  For racialised peoples shaking off the shackles of their adapted identities within supremacist spaces, whilst this should be a huge positive for the person, the client or the group, there is an impact upon those outside of said circle.  For those who benefitted from the compliance of the racialised other, the sudden speaking up, speaking out, or rebelliousness, of the oppressed, will more often than not be accompanied by the feelings of intimidation of the subject itself.

Yet, there is always a route outward.  The reason for my speaking to friends, for my writing this blog, and many of the others I have constructed over the years, is to build relationship with you the reader (as well as myself).  Relationship is the bridge over the river of intimidation.  It crosses us into something more, something deeper.  It moves us away from stereotypes about the other, into a deeper understanding of them, as well as ourselves.  It helps us to grow.  If we let it.  It helps bring us closer together. 

‘The men I find intimidating are sexist/misogynistic.  They are trying to dominate conversations and make me feel on edge. 

You are different. 

You are not trying to win.’ 

References

Marlan, S. (2005). The Black Sun: The Alchemy and Art of Darkness. Texas A&M University Press.

Turner, D. (2025). A Phenomenology of Racism in Counselling and Psychotherapy. Routledge.

Turner, D. D. L. (2021). Intersections of Privilege and Otherness in Counselling and Psychotherapy (1st ed.). Routledge.